Well, I can honestly say I do not know anyone going through fertility issues that has not experienced this emotion. So you are not alone.
Is it normal to feel sadness? Absolutely. The idea of having a child goes along with one of human beings most basic needs. All of us at some level want to be able to express our potential. Having a child is one way to express our human potential. And it is important to remember however that it is not the only way to express this potential. But due to human nature, conditioning, media representation, religion (and the list can go on and on) it is engrained in many of us to see ourselves having a child.
When this ability or area of expression is threatened or when we perceive that it has been taken away, anger can surface. Anger tends to be a cover up emotion and underneath many times can be sadness (or fear, or guilt).
Some get angry, some get sad or depressed, many experience both in varying degrees over time. But what really causes this continued sadness, is it the recurrence of a period? If you drill down to the source of the sadness, is it only that once again, another month goes by and there is no baby? If you look at the situation in the longer term, after trying for 1, 2, 5, 7 or even 19 years, what contributes to the perpetual suffering?
You may have read before my emails about focusing on what you lack and how this contributes to your sadness, depression, anxiety, and anger. When you see a pregnant woman walking down the street and you want to run, hide, or somehow avoid the inevitable kick in the stomach that you experience, is it that person that causes those emotions in you? No, its what the person represents to you allows you to then create that emotion within you.
Recently I have read a book called The Quantum Doctor by Dr. Amit Goswani. He is a scientist that has studied consciousness, quantum physics, and mathematics for many years. In his book one phrase rang out more than any other. When a person experiences suffering it comes from feeling separate from something else. So it is the perceived separateness that perpetuates the suffering.
You see this in your situation at times, don’t you. Your friend becomes pregnant and somehow you feel as though it is more difficult to spend time with her as you deal with the fertility issues you are experiencing. Why is that? Is it because you love her less because she has a child? I don’t think so.
Could it be that now, because she has had a child that somehow you are separate from her? It’s as if she has entered the mum’s club, you know, the club that talks about babies, nappies, toilet training, runny noses, and all things baby. And somehow you feel you have been left outside of that. And that maybe that experience will never come to you. In some way now, you perceive yourself to be separate from her, from all mothers with babies and small children in fact.
When we consciously or unconsciously focus on this idea of “I am separate from you” and “you have what I want and don’t or can’t have” this idea of separateness contributes significantly to the suffering.
If we look at quantum physics, this helps to explain to us (and gives us an opportunity to shift our focus) what we are all made of from the very smallest particle that scientist have found to exist.
What quantum scientists now know is that at the root of everything, i.e. if you take us from cells, to atoms, to electrons, protons, quarks and subquarks, and keep going smaller and smaller, all you get is a unified field of energy where everything comes from. When you understand that this unified field where we are in essence all connected is where we all come from, you can hopefully look at life here in the big picture of what we perceive to be reality in a different light. That yes, we all have our trials. We all have our different likes and dislikes. Maybe men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but at the very basis of it all, we come from the same place so can we never truly be separate.
You can go as far as to look at the air we breath as a sea that connects us all. You have had the experience I am sure when you were thinking about someone and they call you out of the blue. How does that happen? You could argue its because at the most basic level we are all connected and our connections with those we love may be the strongest connections because they are reinforced. We are only separate from another when we perceive ourselves to be.
And when we allow ourselves to perceive ourselves to be separate from what we want most in our life right now, we create our own suffering, our own immense sadness.
So what can you do? Well you could hold on to the sadness and even create depression but it has been shown that women who are experiencing sadness or depression over time take longer to get pregnant. So that doesn’t seem like a very good option.
Here is what I suggest. Firstly realise that at the very basic level of existence there is no separation, we are truly all interconnected. Then you can move into what we can see as reality and see that another pregnancy instead of representing what you lack, can represent what you can create. Another child that you see can represent a child that you can create or connect with. For some of you this may be a biological child that you create and for others it may be through adoption.
Utilise the steps at the end of this email to get rid of the sadness (or see a professional that can help you with this process) and embrace life wherever you see it. And someday you may find yourself holding your friends new baby and feeling joy instead of sadness because you know that new life is coming closer to you all the time, in whatever form you are meant to create it.
See the steps below to release sadness, and remember to reach out to someone that you know who can help you with these techniques when/if you need it.
Have a great week.
Step one: Acknowledge it When there is an event in your life in which you have become angry about and after you have enforced your boundaries or followed through with whatever the anger was telling you to pay attention to, then it is time to review the event to allow yourself to clear the event of any anger you may have experienced. Simply go back to the event in your minds eye and see if when you imagine this event again if there is any sadness there as you review it. If so, just acknowledge that the sadness is present or you may simply know that there was sadness in the past.
Step Two: Get the learning.
Make sure that you have removed yourself from the event for this step. What I mean by this is imagine as if you were watching the old event unfold on a movie screen where you are a spectator of the event and watching yourself as if you were watching an old video tape of the event. To get yourself out of the event even further imagine yourself looking down from a balcony in a movie theatre so that you are above the movie or event. From here ask yourself what you can learn from the event. What learnings can you get from this event that you can put where all of your positive learnings are stored and you can use them whenever you need them.
The learnings should be for you, constructive and something you can use in the future.
Step 3: Let it Go, Once you have gotten what you wanted to learn then imagine the event again and see if the sadness is still there. If it is still there then take yourself out of the event again and continue to ask yourself what else you can learn to let this anger go and remind yourself that letting go of the anger is going to help you improve your physiology, your overall health and your fertility. Is holding on to this sadness, that maybe impacting your physiology really more important to you than having a child?
Remember holding on to this sadness isn’t accomplishing anything for you. And letting it go doesn’t mean the event didn’t happen or wasn’t appropriate or wasn’t difficult. Letting go of the sadness basically frees you from being controlled or effected by something that has happened in your past. Getting the learnings is the most important part so that you let go of the sadness and use the learnings for the future to create what you want.
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